I received your letter today!! It had been in the mail yesterday but I finally went to the mailbox today. :) I wanted so badly to talk to you more when you called Sunday....Scott was engrossed in his phone and so I didn't feel bad that I told you I miss you and I love you. Thank you so much for the call. It made me smile in my heart.
I went to Glenwood Cemetery on Saturday afternoon because I was feeling overwhelmed and I was already in the area. As you know, this is the place where I find peace and I can meditate. I got there ten minutes before the gates closed, and though I did not have a lot of time, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and began to Center Myself. Before I could even organize my thoughts, the tears flowed freely out of my closed eyes. I did not sob; I did not collapse into despair. I simply let the tears flush the stress from my mind. From my body. I felt wave after wave of tears cascading down my cheeks and dripping from my jaw.
When I meditate, I do not think of solid thoughts. If you think of your mind as a pen writing a diary of living words, I simply suspend the pen and allow the words and ink to swirl around and reorganize themselves. My brain de-frags. And the stress leaves by body through my eyes.Snippets of pictures flash in my head, but they are just wisps of thoughts that haven't congealed. I saw you and my sisters and my coworkers....I saw leaves and flowers and smelled fresh grass. A mockingbird was singing a cheerful song behind me, nearly drowning out the sound of I-10 traffic, which was quite kind of him... Afterward, I took a picture of myself and Instagrammed it....it looks like a work of art, to be honest. It's black and white and I have mascara streaks down my cheeks. It's honest.
I have put one of your shirts on one of my pillows. It makes me less lonely. Not really, but I like to tell myself that it does. It seems to be working I think hahaha. sigh...oh how i miss your long, strong arms wrapped around me like a gibbon's....the scruffiness of your face against mine. The chapped parts of your lips feeling like little bumps on my lips...the way you lean down to kiss me...and run your fingers through my hair. The way you immediately relax when I trace my fingers along your neck and the back of your head. The light flicker of your tongue on mine. Your laugh. Your face. Your smile. The look of love and devotion in your eyes. And the sudden tolerance of my snoring! Sleeping with you is sublime. And the first time we made love when you came home....and you looked at me as i sat on top of you....and you breathed "god, babe, you are so beautiful"....I will never forget that moment. In my whole life. I have never felt so beautiful...so pretty....so loved. Thank you.
The boys are having fun with family in Colorado. Mom accidentally put her phone through the wash and is unable to use it now. She emailed me a few days ago and I guess I should email her back.
Vato is going to touch up my clock tattoo and color it in for me. He isn't charging me - no, not even THAT - because he guarantees his tattoos and he included color in the original price I paid him. Woot! I know it makes you jealous that I have more ink than you....we will get you a new tattoo later on, when you are home. My other friend Ruben (from Colorado who now lives here) still owes me a free tat and I am going to see if he will do the red bat symbol you drew. I want it on my right leg, above the ankle. It will be smaller than you drew it, but I think it will look best where I want it.
I really enjoy being able to come here online and send you a letter and know you will have it within a day or so. It means I don't have to go to the post office or anything. And I don't really have to rely on myself. That's cool. One of my many imperfections that you have to put up with is my inability to follow through on every little thing. For the record, I have started a blog called Harlequin Bats about us. I don't think it is anything terribly special, and I will most likely get tired of it or forget about it within the week. But for now it is helping me cope. Because I am drowning a little without you. I love you so, so much baby, So much. More than I should and more than I want to....you've broken me down into a girl who craves being loved again. I ache for your touch.
I have begun to tire of Paul a little. He isn't clingy or anything....and I have gone a whole day without communication with him....but he isn't you. And now every time I am with him for anything - platonic or otherwise - I simply wish he was you....and the real him was elsewhere. Looking at another year of him is daunting. Perhaps it is just because I miss you so much. I can't abide being with someone else. I have stopped climaxing with him at all. Again, because I wish he was you. And he isn't. I don't know what to do. But I am sure it will work itself out. Life goes on - it always does.
It appears I am reaching the bottom of my page. Know always that I love you and I am here for you. I am your advocate on the outside. I am constantly reminding everyone about jpay and writing letters and sending money. I love you I love you I love you.
Love always;
your one and only Harley
No comments:
Post a Comment