An-ti-ci-paaaaaaaa-tion!

I read someone's status last night on facebook (or maybe it was a photo....) about what a person thinks about on the first date.  I realized I miss dating.  The excitement...the butterflies in my stomach...wondering if this other human being connects with you, and discovering the nuances of a new individual.  But it isn't all about a person being new, it's a situational thing as well.  For example, my Batsy and I have had all of one official date....well, maybe two....our first date wasn't supposed to be a date.But it was exciting.  We were both nervous....aaaaand here I go into the 'how we met' story.  Hang in there.  It's.....interesting. :)

Batsy and I met on a chat app called Skout.  I was visiting Colorado for a week and he happened to live in Colorado.  I was recently broken up with the love of my life thusfar, and I had no desire to be in another relationship.  Fuck that shit.  I was mourning the loss of that other guy, and trying to drown my sorrows in the attentions of numerous strange men online.  Batsy seemed nice, and he was sooooo cute.  Honestly I couldn't stop looking at his pics and wondering what the fuck he saw in mine to make him want to hang out.

And yeah - being that I was a swinger in my marriage, I was looking for a hookup.  If I could find one.  It isn't all that easy, ya know.  Weeding through sociopaths and creeps to try to find a guy that doesn't have erectile dysfunction, mommy issues, anger issues, psycopathic tendencies, or an STD or STI is exhausting.  Especially since every man thinks that he deserves a woman to fawn over him and beg him to screw her.  Pfft.  Please.  Anyway....back to the topic....

Batsy and I met at his place.  He lived with this other lady but she was at work.  So we sat on the couch and chatted awkwardly about video games and music and how we were both not really looking for a relationship but it would be nice to have a new friend and hey you have nice shoes, so would you like to have sex?  Batsy introduced me to Five Finger Death Punch and Tech N9ne.  I smiled and nodded and listened and stared at him.  He was cuuuuuuute.  And I am not.  So I assumed sex was off the table.

We went to a local Irish Pub for food and song....they have a weekly live musician who sings hearty and rollicking Irish Pub Songs and the pub full of people sing along.  Batsy and I each ate the rich and delicious shepherd's pie with chips and Mary Rose sauce.  It was divine.  Afterward, we headed over to a bar where a friend of mine was singing karaoke.  We had some brews and a lot of fun.

Then we went off to drive around, trying to find a place to be more intimate (turns out he was too horny to care that I am fugly hehe).  I was staying with my parents and so we couldn't get naughty there.  And his roommate had made him promise he wouldn't have sex in the house. So it was kind of an issue.  Fortunately, it was June in Colorado and I had lived there long enough to know all sorts of places we could go and not be disturbed. 

We started to wander around a small park near where I used to live.  There were n'er do wells on the playground equipment (pfft....like I am in any position to judge), so I parked Batsy's butt on a concrete wall and I gave him a little oral delight.  More than a little.  He was pretty satisfied.  Then I wanted sex, so we moved on to my parents' place.  There's a barn behind the house and we could maneuver outside the car without being seen there.  Unfortunately, the vehicle in question was a VW Jetta, and so there was virtually no room.  But we made do.  And it was worth it.  Then I took him back home....I was sad to see him go.  I thoroughly enjoyed him.  We exchanged phone numbers and went on our way.
 
I ended up finding him again the next night, as he invited me to dinner at his place.  He and his roommate were cooking a delicious dinner and I could eat some tasty foods before I drove 20 hours home.  Then he went to a hotel with me and we had some more fun...and took pictures...I hated to see him go.  But we kept in touch and it's been 15 months now.  Woo hoo!

I am tired.....but I miss my Batsy.  And he says he will take me on a date next month when I go visit him.  Yay!

GUILTY!!!

I have really fallen behind with the posting.  Partly because Batsy is more accessible by phone now than letters, but also partly because I was pissed off at Blogger for eating a huge post I made in early September.  Pictures and all.  GROWL.

I hear from my Batsy every day now.  Sometimes less than I would like....I try to let him contact me because he has a full time job and a strict schedule and I don't want to interrupt anything.  Or call at the wrong time.  I simply don't want him being set back because of me.  I want him home just as soon as he possibly can be.

Since I last posted, I have been through a lot.  I got fired for, in my opinion, a bullshit reason.  I was denied unemployment.  And I have had to fall back on the estranged husband for monetary gifts.  He is more than generous.  I just feel like a leech.  Doesn't help that my mother called me out as a leech to the estranged husband just yesterday.  After spending the last month applauding me for being a stay at home mother.  she's a class act, i tell ya.  It's amazing I am who I am.  But she was such a horrible mother that I made it my duty to never ever become like her.  She had some good attributes - schedules and clean house and the like.  But I was never loved.  Never accepted.  Always looked down upon and ridiculed.  Ah well - my boys don't have to deal with that.  They will have a stable home life, full of love and acceptance and happiness.  Not so much clean house - like I said, I don't want to be like her at all.  LMFAO *sigh* nah, I am just lazy.

Hey look.  I am a cute kid.  :)

Anyway, so I am going to have to write more later.  Being a good mom means taking the kids to the museum once a month to gawk at dinosaurs.  yay!  Be good, y'all. 

Another Letter from my Bats!!

I get more letters than i post.....it's easier to copy and paste from my letters to him than to rewrite his chickenscratch.  actually he has really good handwriting.  i should post a pic sometime.... :)

i can't figure out how to rotate it here....so i am lazy....woot!

To My Darling Harley;
I wanted to write again and apologize for my last letter.  Again it was never meant to make you feel like a failure, it was just venting and i never meant to take it out on you and if it came across like i had, i am so sorry!! You are the light of my life and when I hasn't heard from you or heard your voice I was worried about you.

I got your letter the very next day on Friday as well as the books so it was too late to stop the letter so i felt like a huge piece of crap!

thank you SO MUCH for the books! i am already 3/4 the way through the second one 'A Clash of Kings'.  almost everyone in my hallway here wants to read them when i am done!

i miss you so much! i know it's a little hard out there by yourself but remember - i am almost positive i will be out by December.  I put my request in for the halfway house but since i have no ties here i don't know how that will end up.  the oly reason i would want to fo to the halfway house is to have a more guaranteed route to interstate compact parole back to texas.  i will explain it better in more detail when we can talk on the phone.

again, my sexy love, i think about you every day!  i love you so much! I hope you are able to come in August.  Speaking of which, I need some information for visitation.  Well, babe, I am gonna stick this letter in the mail so it goes out tonight.

I LOVE YOU!  I LOVE YOU!  I LOVE YOU!

Forever your Dark Knight;
Batsy

Lazy Letter

My eternally beloved Bats; I have not been feeling well these past few days. My gut seems to be completely shedding itself constantly, and i am wishing i could afford the copay to go to the doc and see if i am having a gall bladder fit. ugh. anyway, i have been too uncomfortable to sit up and write you. i know the phone isn't working, and it makes me want to cry because i feel like a failure. i literally cannot put any money on the phone right now. honestly, i doubt i can put any money on your books this next week either. not hearing your voice is killing me. but there's a $25 minimum and a $7 fee.....I don't have that kind of money right now. Since exhusband's paychecks wont start coming in till september, i have to conserve for three weeks from now when the kids come home. i need to buy school supplies and food first and foremost. i haven't been eating out and i haven't been buying drinks at the bar. i have skipped karaoke completely to save money. i am becoming a hermit. on the plus side of that, though, i am rearranging the house and the rooms. the master suite now has the bed on another wall, the desk and computer....and soon to be your tv and dvr. i moved the large kennel out of the bedroom and into the area where the small kennel was.

i dreamt of you last night, mon ami....oh my darling it was divine.....i dreamt you were under house arrest across town. so i drove to see you and we embraced and made love in your twin bed...and we cuddled for an hour afterward and just talked about everything. i fucking miss you so much. written word cannot express the depth of my love for you. written word cannot caress your face the way my hand can. written word has such power and yet it falls short when attempting to convey my true and real emotions for you. i am glad you are keeping busy inside the prison....it sounds like fun, though i know you can't wait to come home. i can't wait to have you home too...though i am enjoying my freedom. paul wants to come over every day but i am so engrossed in rearranging the house and enjoying my alone time that i turn him down but twice a week. LOL though i did go with him to his parents' house this past weekend - it's in magnolia and they have a pool. he had to mow the expansive lawn, and i decided to get some swimming done in private. i don't like swimming in public, and their pool is surrounded by a large amount of grass and tall trees. Basically paul was the only one able to see me. And when we arrived, there was a SNAKE and a FROG in the pool! how cool is that?!? i got the snake out (after he tried for ten minutes and couldn't seem to get it done)...then i got the frog out and it was SO COOL. Then I swam for a couple hours and floated....stared at the tree tops and the clouds floating by. It was so peaceful. I received your letter - I hope you got the books I sent!! I am falling asleep now, my love, so I must go. But I will write more soon. Your forever and always; Harley

Comfort and Love!

I tossed and turned all night and basically got 2.5 hours of sleep. It was awful. I did dream of a coworker who is pregnant and my Batman....it was solid sleep. 

I woke up to the original Batman tv show theme song. In my hazy stupor I clutched my phone and even before I consciously registered the call, I was smiling. My Batsy was calling me!!  I hadn't heard from him in five days, and all I thought was the worst. And I was depressed and I missed him. Shit....I wrote him that letter last night!

This Monday morning I woke up happy and content and talking to my Love. I can't even describe the excitement and happiness and comfort his phone call brought to me. Perhaps my cerebrum was enveloped in a lavender vanilla scented aura. Plumped pillows of REM danced across my head. Maybe it was luck that he phoned when he did....but maybe not. 

Batsy, I can't wait till you're back home. My love for you rivals the depth of the oceanic abyss. My devotion spans thousands of miles. You are my heart. 

OOOOPS! Forgot to put money on the phone...!

Batsy...OMG I am so so sorry!! I didn't realize I was running out of phone money and I didn't get a call from the offender connect or anything. I have been worried SICK all weekend about you!! I was waiting for a call thursday, friday, saturday and today. i checked my phone logs obsessively. i kept telling myself you were waiting because you knew i had to budget....then tonight i couldn't stand it anymore and checked offender connect...and i had under a dollar on it! holy shit i am so so sorry!! i am SO glad you're not dead or something....I hated hearing that you had such a reaction to the fish....I have been worried that you're in anaphylactic shock and they didn't call me for some reason....UGH.

 
Exhusband is leaving Tuesday morning for a square state to see the kids for a single day before heading to the Mediterranian. I am dropping him off at the airport around 4am or so....should be fun. not. it's entirely surreal. mom is paying for his flight and has stopped bugging me about the money for babysitting....she knows we are tapped out and are fighting to stay afloat as it is. exhusband and i get a final paycheck this week for both of us, then he will get paid once a month on the 5th or something. it's gonna be a struggle, but we will do what we have to do. at least i'm still paid every other week....so there's something coming in between times. but august is going to truly suck. worse than before. i will give you what i can - probably $30 every other week, tops....and some phone time....i am so sick about money right now i just want to cry. it'll be better soon, but still.
 
my former coworker may be coming to stay with me. she and her bf haven't been all that friendly in over a year. they had a baby together anyway but now he says he needs his space and she doesn't have anywhere else to go. the baby is 10 months old and a sweetie pie. so maybe she and i would make good roommates. i dunno. we shall see. i will be moving your tv and dvr into the master suite and preparing your room for someone else I guess. because i will need the help or something....
goddamn it baby i miss you. i have been dreaming of you all weekend. we saw a movie and went to the beach and made love. i broke down and relieved tension with you know who last night. it wasn't as fulfilling as i needed....i simply don't love him. and it's just sex. there's no emotional relief....and due to that there's minimal physical relief. i just want you home. i want to make love to you in bed and make love to you on the couch....i want to make out with you in the kitchen while we make dinner and do the dishes. i want to make out with you in the laundry room....make love in the shower....bite your flesh and lick your neck. i want to run my fingers through your hair while you do the same for me.
 
i love you, my darling....my heart aches that you cannot be near to me. i want you and need you home with me. i am so damn sorry about the phone thing. i wish i had known i was short....i am hating myself right now for it all. i made you doubt me, and i made myself think the worst. i did nothing to promote trust and desire that will conquer the distance between us. know this - no matter what happens, the distance between you and i is physically great, but emotionally we are together always. you hold my heart in your hands. your voice melts me from head to toe. when we talk on the phone, i close my eyes so that i can drink you in through my ears and nestle you into my cerebrum. You are with me every waking moment of every day, and i fall asleep thinking of you at night.
i hope you got the photos, and i hope they bring you happiness....as much as you can have in prison without being able to touch me and all the other people you love. i want to take the pink dripping bat symbol you created and make it into a harley quinn one....black and red....with blood red drops mixed with black diamonds maybe. i don't know. i love it but i am not a huge fan of pink. baby i love you so much. i can't say that enough or with adequate enthusiasm or emphasis. it simply isn't enough to write it down. i can't wait to tell you in person!!! The guards will have to peel me off of you! *sigh*

i have to go admin these facebook pages. nobody cares to do it after ten pm, and the internet is a 24 hour thing. gosh darn it. at least after a bit i can schedule posts. i have fallen behind on the blog, as it takes a while to transcribe your notes to me. i leave out the money talk and the talk of which facility you are in. because it's silly to post that shit online. which means that the notes you write to me are woefully small....but i don't care. they are heartfelt.
 
you are a good man. you are MY good man. and you can get past this speed bump in the road. i am sorry that i am the only person who loves you enough to help you.....i wish you had more friends that are close....and willing to be supportive.....i am starting to crumble under the pressure. i am so sorry. i will do everything i can until you are back in my arms. i have to admit - i will likely lean heavily on you for a bit after you are out. i won't want to let you out of my sight. i will kick your ass out the door to get to work and make money....i will make you save money....work on getting your own place....because it has to be that way. but i will visit you and you can come over and stay whenever. i will never turn my honey batger away....i love you.

i love you...i love you...I LOVE YOU!!
Harls

anxiety attack mail :(

oh batman i need you so much....i am staring at this blank screen and feel so overwhelmed and like every fuse in my brain has been tripped.....i am not making connections or stringing words to make a sentence in my head.
so many things....your fish allergy causing you to break out in hives (good god i hope you don't go into anaphylactic shock out there!)...me potentially not making it up to visit due to cost problems.....oh shit baby i need to see you and feel you.

i have been watching Orange is the new Black and it is helping me to understand maybe a little of how prison life is. it sounds dumb but it is based on a true story and all the things you tell me seem to be the same on the show. it's a netflix only thing so i know you won't get to see it till you're out. the visitation room....the bathrooms/showers....the guards....the beds. when i watch it i feel closer to you. and i want to do so many things to be closer to you.
please don't get in trouble. please don't do anything to cause ripples. come home as soon as you can. come home to me. come home to our house and our dog and our life.

i need to be selfish right now. i need you to put your strong arms around me and stroke my hair and hold me and tell me i am beautiful. tell me i am strong and i can make it through this. run a finger down my cheek and brush away the tears from my eyes. don't be upset that i am crying....know that it is the stress leaving my body and kiss the tears away. let me sob into your shoulder. hold me close - skin on skin - and breathe into me your love and your devotion and your compassion. give to me what i give to you....let us reciprocate in the union of our bodies.

i haven't had sex in three weeks or so. i don't even care. i don't want anyone right now. paul has texted me asking why i haven't talked to him or gone over. he asks if i am ok, because he knows i am overwhelmed. he knows he isn't necessary in my life and wants to remain friends. i can't get up the energy to go see him. he came over for pizza and spaceballs the other night and left right after. even though scott wasn't home. he tells me it's like i am a shell of who i was. i told him i don't blame him if he never wants to see me again, since i am basically abusing our friendship by being noncommittal and unresponsive.

both of my pillows are covered in your t-shirts. i even wear one to sleep sometimes. batman i love you so much. my heart aches for you. i know you're bored and alone and missing me....at camp snoopy...and you need things to make your stay easier. i will do all i can, but i can't do more. 

i need to go find the tracking number. i promised i would put it in the email and i forgot it in the car....be right back....don't wait too long LOL

OH i dreamed of you last night. you came to me as lightly as a fairy on a pillow and we slept together, spooning, all night. i woke up sad and stiff. but that dream was simply divine. i love you. i love your clown tattoos. i love your sister's tattoo. i love your eyes - how they dance when you smile. i love your facial hair and your lack of facial hair - i love your face. i love your neck and your teeth and your hands.....all of you baby. you are my handsome gentleman. my knight in scuffed-up armor. i never wanted shining armor anyway - means it hasn't been properly broken in.

ok i really am going to get the tracking number now. BRB ok....i have the receipt....logging on to the usps now....DAMMIT says 'delivery status notification not available via website.' grrrrr calling the 800 number now.....ugh it says it was processed through and left at a facility at 10pm on 7/17. it is currently in transit to the destination. woot! you shall have it soon, my love! Stupid website still says 'expect delivery by july 15, 2013'...ARGH

darling i must sleep now. so today you get this letter and maybe even the pictures! i can't wait to hear from you! i do have to focus on scott on friday....it IS his last night in town for a minimum of four months. so call me tonight or saturday.

i love you i love you i love you.....be well
your harlequin princess