OOOOPS! Forgot to put money on the phone...!

Batsy...OMG I am so so sorry!! I didn't realize I was running out of phone money and I didn't get a call from the offender connect or anything. I have been worried SICK all weekend about you!! I was waiting for a call thursday, friday, saturday and today. i checked my phone logs obsessively. i kept telling myself you were waiting because you knew i had to budget....then tonight i couldn't stand it anymore and checked offender connect...and i had under a dollar on it! holy shit i am so so sorry!! i am SO glad you're not dead or something....I hated hearing that you had such a reaction to the fish....I have been worried that you're in anaphylactic shock and they didn't call me for some reason....UGH.

 
Exhusband is leaving Tuesday morning for a square state to see the kids for a single day before heading to the Mediterranian. I am dropping him off at the airport around 4am or so....should be fun. not. it's entirely surreal. mom is paying for his flight and has stopped bugging me about the money for babysitting....she knows we are tapped out and are fighting to stay afloat as it is. exhusband and i get a final paycheck this week for both of us, then he will get paid once a month on the 5th or something. it's gonna be a struggle, but we will do what we have to do. at least i'm still paid every other week....so there's something coming in between times. but august is going to truly suck. worse than before. i will give you what i can - probably $30 every other week, tops....and some phone time....i am so sick about money right now i just want to cry. it'll be better soon, but still.
 
my former coworker may be coming to stay with me. she and her bf haven't been all that friendly in over a year. they had a baby together anyway but now he says he needs his space and she doesn't have anywhere else to go. the baby is 10 months old and a sweetie pie. so maybe she and i would make good roommates. i dunno. we shall see. i will be moving your tv and dvr into the master suite and preparing your room for someone else I guess. because i will need the help or something....
goddamn it baby i miss you. i have been dreaming of you all weekend. we saw a movie and went to the beach and made love. i broke down and relieved tension with you know who last night. it wasn't as fulfilling as i needed....i simply don't love him. and it's just sex. there's no emotional relief....and due to that there's minimal physical relief. i just want you home. i want to make love to you in bed and make love to you on the couch....i want to make out with you in the kitchen while we make dinner and do the dishes. i want to make out with you in the laundry room....make love in the shower....bite your flesh and lick your neck. i want to run my fingers through your hair while you do the same for me.
 
i love you, my darling....my heart aches that you cannot be near to me. i want you and need you home with me. i am so damn sorry about the phone thing. i wish i had known i was short....i am hating myself right now for it all. i made you doubt me, and i made myself think the worst. i did nothing to promote trust and desire that will conquer the distance between us. know this - no matter what happens, the distance between you and i is physically great, but emotionally we are together always. you hold my heart in your hands. your voice melts me from head to toe. when we talk on the phone, i close my eyes so that i can drink you in through my ears and nestle you into my cerebrum. You are with me every waking moment of every day, and i fall asleep thinking of you at night.
i hope you got the photos, and i hope they bring you happiness....as much as you can have in prison without being able to touch me and all the other people you love. i want to take the pink dripping bat symbol you created and make it into a harley quinn one....black and red....with blood red drops mixed with black diamonds maybe. i don't know. i love it but i am not a huge fan of pink. baby i love you so much. i can't say that enough or with adequate enthusiasm or emphasis. it simply isn't enough to write it down. i can't wait to tell you in person!!! The guards will have to peel me off of you! *sigh*

i have to go admin these facebook pages. nobody cares to do it after ten pm, and the internet is a 24 hour thing. gosh darn it. at least after a bit i can schedule posts. i have fallen behind on the blog, as it takes a while to transcribe your notes to me. i leave out the money talk and the talk of which facility you are in. because it's silly to post that shit online. which means that the notes you write to me are woefully small....but i don't care. they are heartfelt.
 
you are a good man. you are MY good man. and you can get past this speed bump in the road. i am sorry that i am the only person who loves you enough to help you.....i wish you had more friends that are close....and willing to be supportive.....i am starting to crumble under the pressure. i am so sorry. i will do everything i can until you are back in my arms. i have to admit - i will likely lean heavily on you for a bit after you are out. i won't want to let you out of my sight. i will kick your ass out the door to get to work and make money....i will make you save money....work on getting your own place....because it has to be that way. but i will visit you and you can come over and stay whenever. i will never turn my honey batger away....i love you.

i love you...i love you...I LOVE YOU!!
Harls