Bad Day :(

My Honey Bat-ger;

your phone calls always light up my day. i am so in love with you....everything about you is SO worth loving. Know this always and forever, my darling. i feel so fortunate that you are mine and i am yours. your love is pure as driven snow. i feel like i am too sullied and scared and jaded for you. but i know you've known pain as well, and rejection and unfair bias. and so my imperfections are just a part of the person you love. as your imperfections make you who you are, which is the man i adore and love with all my heart.

i hope it is ok that i am publishing our letters in a blog. of course the names are changed....gotta protect people, innocent or otherwise. i also usually draw at least one picture in the Paint program on the laptop. the pics are crude at best, but they get the point across. i don't have a real mouse to use and so i am using the touch pad. UGH no bueno. lol (i included one i drew last week, just to show you what sort of crap i am publishing)

SO let's move on to my stories of work, because that seems to be all encompassing today for me. last week, we had a little american bulldog who was very sick. she had a non-regenerative anemia (low red cells) and wasn't eating. after days of various diagnostics, we finally got down to doing a bone marrow biopsy. this involves her being under anesthesia and we basically gouge out a cylinder of bone and marrow (bone marrow is mainly liquid, contrary to my initial assumptions before i was in medicine). long story short, she has end stage lymphoma and her owner was in spain. yeah - THAT spain. across the pond. so the owner's mom and girlfriend decide to go forward with chemotherapy. just to see if they can get her to live long enough for her owner to come home. well, she responded very well to the chemo and although she is FAR from remission (and she won't ever get there....let's be honest here)....she came in today for another dose of chemo. she was jumping around and wagging her tail and doing a little bully-dog dance. it was refreshing.

last week we placed a feeding tube in her esophagus/throat and she was being fed via the tube. her owners said she was eating and drinking very well on her own, and wanted the tube out. the doc said 'not yet' and so i went to change the bandage....and i sliced the tip of the tube off completely. this was the culmination of my shitty day/week. so we ended up having to pull the tube completely and although the owners were thrilled, i am mortified. ashamed. and i feel like a complete idiot.

so what did i do? i asked for a raise. not kidding. i emailed my supervisor and asked if i would be getting a yearly review and possibly a raise. i acknowledged my persistent 2-minute-late time stamps and all the overtime and extra projects i have done for the clinic. i mentioned the clinic's success and the fact that nobody has gotten a raise except those who have threatened to quit, and that feeds the low morale of the support staff who are always working their butts off without complaint. my supervisor emailed me back and said we will talk next week. whew.

exhusband got the call with the official offer....he will be making a lot more than before. plus more for being overseas. that's good...he should be making enough to pay the bills and save some too. whew. he and i have discussed schedule, child care, and everything we can. he will probably be gone end of august. :/ it's scary but i am looking forward to it. though now i can't have him do the dishes....the boys can. one can empty and one can load and i can do the counters. woot!

ok baby.....i need to work on that sketch a little before i forget. and i have been meaning to get some beading done and make some new jewelry. i really need to focus on that now. i love you so much....so damn much. i hate to think you are in there alone, five foot from a kill fence....without me. i wish i could sneak in and snuggle with you for a few hours. kiss you deeply and feel your tongue dance against mine. your arms wrapped around me, making me feel so safe and secure. protected and warm. sigh. oh nathan i love you.

always yours;
harley jane

Letter 3...BatMAAAANNNN

June 20, 2013

My Beautiful Villainess Harley!

here i am, writing you again even though I just sent you a letter earlier today and talked to you on the phone!  i cannot stop thinking about you for one second and that's such a wonderful thing!  in alomost everything i read, see or hear i keep thinking of you.  for example...at this very moment, the miami heat and the san antonio spurs are playing in game 7 of the nba finals.  i want san antonion to win because it's texas!  when i think texas, i think of my home with you!  home is where the heart is, and my heart is 100% with you.  i love you so much baby!

like i told you earlier, i keep reading your letters over and over.  they help me sleep and i can almost hear your voice through them every time.  i was laughing my ass off when reading about piggie being a high stepping fool in the dog booties!  then i damn near cried hearing about you almost having heat stroke from yard work because i should be there helping you!

i wish i had stories to tell you, but not much happens while in 23 hour lock down.  i don't have much of a view out of my cell window.  i see some dead grass, then about a 5 foot stretch of gravel before you get to a "KILL FENCE" that is about 12 feet high covered from the ground up with razor wire.  and i think it is also electrified with motion sensors.!  i remember seeing a bird fly into something similar in Buena Vista awhile back....we ate 'friend chicken' the next day!  LMFAO!

look on the bright side...the boys will never have to go to a 'scared straight' program.  they'll have me to tell them all about this!  LOL  I am just trying to be funny I guess...if it's not i am sorry.

hey, you should print out some lyrics to some songs.  i don't really care which just so long as i know them.  In This Moment, Halestorm, Five Finger Death Punch, Adele, Bruno Mars, and even stuff you like :)

also - you know how much i miss you, houston, and everybody there.  take pictures of everything and anything!  i miss it so much and i would much rather have a collage of pictures of houston than looking at gay-ass colorado. LOL

well, i am going to try and do a little Bible study before lights out...there's really no set bedtime and i can turn my own light off and on in here.  Anyway, always remember you are on my mind!  I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!

Your dark knight

Letter 2 from Batman

June 20, 2013

My Darling Harley,

i got your 3rd letter today and it made me have a huge cheesy grin!  i love you so much baby!  the way you write and bring your stories to such a beautiful light makes me so happy.  the quotes you gave me from F Scott Fitzgerald and Sandra Kring were hitting the nail on the head!

again, to reiterate myself, my love for you reached unfathomable depths.  you mean the world to me and every day i thank God for you being a part of my life.  last night i laid awake thinking that the life i have had only led me straight to you.  even though i have messed up, it all happened for a reason.  YOU!  i would not have such a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, witty and faithful soul mate if my life had been lived different until now.  you have shown me what it means to be trulyy me and not hold back my faults.  i can be 100% honest and open with you and not face ridicule or shame.  God, I LOVE YOU!

Well, babe, it is almost time to hustle to the phone and try to call you!  I hope you can answer! LOL if not, there's always Saturday or Sunday morning if we get our out time!

Forever your Batman!

he always draws a bat symbol where he signs his name.  how cute!!

Love Letter

My sexy, amazing, loving, and loyal Batman;

I finally got your letters!!! (this is saved from what I wrote Tuesday) I worry about you, my love. I am aching over here in stupid Texas while you are in stupid Colorado. I did think the joke you told about the boys never going to a 'scared straight' program was funny...:) I was thinking the same thing!!

the boys are having a blast with my parents and sisters. And we just got some stunningly amazing and terrifying news today.....(exhusband) is officially offered the job in Turkey. Holy. Crap. He is drafting his resignation letter today for his old firm, and he starts at the new company July 15th. I don't know if that means he flies to Turkey in a couple weeks or if it means he is trained stateside for a few months first....I am so scared about the school year. I will be a single mom for real.....I can't rely on him for anything. Not laundry, taking kids to school/picking them up, watching them while I go to karaoke....cub scouts....oh man. i have spent that last few hours nearly engulfed in anxiety.

***************************************this is where i went to the bathroom and had my episode of excrutiating pain****then you called and made me feel better a little************i love you so fucking much*********************

I cannot wait to get your poem and all of your words in tangible form. You are in my heart always and on my mind incessantly. I ended up not going to karaoke tonight because I just wanted to snuggle with your pillow and enjoy the naughty tingles in my girly bits. It made me really wish I could derive pleasure from self stimulation and I tried - I tried SOOOO hard! *sigh* I wish you were home. So we could be intimate together. We could lie in bed and listen to the fan. Listen to the rain outside the window. Know we are safe in each others' arms. I can hear your heart beating and the air moving in and out of your lungs. I can feel you kiss the top of my head. And brush my hair away from my ear with your fingers. This is what I imagine when I am falling asleep. I also, of course, imagine that while we are snuggling and all that....that I have my hand casually stroking you. Exposing and hiding your head that is freshly coated in delicious moisture. Your gasp of excitement dances in my ears.....oh my baby i miss you and your sex. rocking my hips back and forth on you is just another highlight to the love we share. a physical manifestation of our closeness and our bond. i love you, nathan wells. i love you and everything you are. every moment of the broken road you've traveled has led you to me, and every moment of my broken road has led me to you. haha rascal flatts has a song about that. :) called the broken road. too bad you're not a country fan....some lyrics:

every long lost dream/led me to where you are/others who broke my heart / they were like northern stars / pointing me on my way / into your loving arms / this much i know is true / god blessed the broken road that led me straight to you / i think about the years i spent / just passing through / i'd like to have the time i lost / and give it back to you / but you just smile and take my hand / you've been there, you understand / it's all part of a grander plan that is coming true.

I am nearly to the end of my page. :( this makes me sad, but i am also a little relieved. because it is nearly 2am. i've been suffering writer's block because of this stupid pelvic pain. the doc says i don't have any signs of illness but it putting me on an antibiotic anyway. he seems to think it's a uterine infection....and has me on doxycycline. which is used for STDs. which pisses me off, because all my tests came back negative (i am not a whore dumbass doc). My suspicion is that my IUD slipped or moved a bit when I was using the bathroom (rare, but happens) or I have diverticulitis (a weakening in my intestinal wall causing a pocket to form). I still hurt a little, but the pain diminishes by the day.

I am counting the minutes until you are home to me, my love. i don't believe you did what you are accused of. you are a better man that that - even if you weren't way back when, you are now. And that is all I care about. I know that you would never hurt me and never hurt the boys. I know that your love is true. I hope and pray that you know I am yours with all of my heart and my soul. You have helped me in so many ways, my love. so many ways. I adore you and look at your pictures daily...you keep me smiling even when i am down. because you are you - and you are honest and truly the man of my dreams.

Much love and Harlequin Kisses to you....I saw an awesome design the other day I want to sketch out and send to you as a tattoo idea - it's the Bat Symbol from the Arkham Asylum video game, but instead of a black bat...its a black and white checkered harlequin pattern.....with HARLEY in the bat symbol instead of BATMAN (see pic - bad pic but you can draw it better). hehehe I also ordered a bat symbol decal for my car window....as well as an arkham one....and a Harley and Batman chibi charm so I can make us into a necklace for me. <3 oh my sweet bat-ger....my honey bat-ger.....i love you i love you i love you. be well...!!

love always;
your harlequin girl

Letter From Batman

I should probably post the letters he is sending back to me...teehee....

June 9, 2013

My Beautiful and Only Harley!

God, how I miss you so much!  I, just like you, am thankful for the time (asshole) did give us.  I am so sorry that this situation turned out for the worse, but I know that we can get through this together.  I have no reason to believe that no more than 18 months from now I will safely be back in your arms.

Breakfast sucked....today's going to be a long day I think (LOL).  The rest of the week is going to go slow also because I can't call you till Friday. :( I don't want to start 'hard timing' it as some people will by trying to count down the months or days until I get to be with you again, but I know it's not going to be a huge amount of time before I do!

Well, it's time for more food so I will write again later! LOVE YOU BUNCHES!

June 11, 2013

I tried calling today even though I knew you couldn't answer.  I just wanted you to know I am always thinking about you.  Maybe you will pick up tomorrow :) !

I got through my physical today, another step closer to getting to a real facility.  I am in a clean bill of health!  The doctor said one of my liver enzymes is only a little high but it is nothing to worry about - it will lower once i am able to move around more. 

i know this sounds repetitive but i miss you so much and it just scares me with me not being around that you'll just get bored of waiting for me.  That's why I always try to call....I just love hearing your voice!  Anyways, I don't want to start crying.  Just know i love you with all of my being.

Dinner is here in a few, so I will send this letter out.  Tell the kiddos and (exhusband) hello for me!!

I love you babe!

Your Batman

Princess PipeDream

As a girl, I dreamed that I was really a Princess that had been adopted by this horrible family and forced to be emotionally and physically abused so that I would one day be rescued by a handsome Prince with a large penis and a gallant stallion of the deepest ebony.  Yes, as a little girl of twelve I was already thinking about well-endowed men.  I was an early bloomer as far as lustful thoughts.  And yet I didn't lose my virginity until I was nearly 19....hmmmm...ANYWAY...

lalalalalaaaa happy princess horsey time

I would play with my fashion dolls and pony princesses and imagine that any day now - ANY DAY - a letter would come in the mail, or a prince would come and whisk me away to my Kingdom where I would be favored and waited on hand and foot.  Carriages would be readied just for my Highness to go for a quick frolic in the park named after me.  Balls would be held in my honor....(oh you dirty fiend!  get out of the gutter!)

What would my Prince Charming look like?  Would he be tall, with flowing green locks?  A pale chalky complexion?  Would his smile go on and on for DAYS?!?  *sigh* Oh Mistah J.....*ahem* well, I did meet my Mistah J.  My Joker.  The Clown Prince of Crime (or Chaos, depends on who you ask).  He did, indeed figuratively, ride up on an ebony stallion and whisk me away to a magical land.  When we were together, nothing else mattered.  But he was less a cunning villain who wanted to watch the world burn....and more a drunkard with pie in the sky ideas.  And we parted ways.

hellooooo mistah j!

This harlequin girl was down in the poopy dumps.  My heart was shattered by Mistah J.  I became something nobody wanted to see....a sloppy, hot mess of slut.  I would spread em for everyone that asked.  I felt as though I would glean happiness from the pleasure I gave to others.  This was not so.  I found no solace in the loins of other men.  I yearned for the days when all I had to do to be content and smile a smile of inner peace was to think of a certain someone.....someone who meant the world to me.  I needed that again.

So I met my Batsy....he was supposed to be just another one night stand.  Someone I wouldn't dream of seeing again.  Shoot - hes hundreds of miles away.  What would this clowny princess be doing with a prince so far?  Pfft.  It's balderdash, is what it is.  But he persisted. 

Months later Batman had me wrapped around his batarang....once again, I have someone who makes me giggle on the inside when my facade is mournful.  My batsy's voice on the phone makes me moist and gooey in all the right places.  My heart, it is his.  Oh, Mistah B.....you're my hero and my Prince Charming all rolled into one.  I love you, Batty Bear. 

Your Voice...

My darling Batsy;

Every time I see a phone call coming in from your area code I have to stop everything and take it.  I am so happy that you call even when you aren't supposed to.  It makes me feel special, that you would bend the rules for me.  I do want you to abide by the rules, but I am also very selfish about our phone time.  Writing you and receiving your letters is wonderful...because I know that the written word will last as long as the paper does.  The words don't morph or fade, as a memory can.  But it also doesn't have the personality and the depth that your sweet and sexy voice brings to my ears.  My eyes light up and I smile with every call.  Because I know I will have 15 minutes of uninterrupted Us time.  And since you have such limited time right now, I feel lucky.

I have posted once again on facebook how much I love you, and how much I miss you.  It's freeing, having a facebook for everyone but family.  I don't feel judged.  And I can write whatever I want.  And I don't have to hide Us just to avoid snarky comments and a fight.
 

Pearl looked like she was gaining weight for a while, but now she seems to be getting skinny again.  I don't see any worms.... OH!  Funny thing about Piggie....I had to carry his sorry ass down the stairs the other day because he falls down them due to the slippery nature of the stairs and his long legs and gangly frame.  So I found these dog snow shoes that I had purchased while we were in Colorado.  I have pink ones for Pearl and blue ones for Piggie.  I can't find Pearl's, but I took the blue ones and put them on Piggie's front feet.  He did great!  He was a high-stepping fool for a few minutes, but then he tolerated them very well!  He went up and down the stairs without a hitch!  And I gave him a bath a couple of days ago and used my shampoo *and* conditioner....his fur is luxuriously soft now.  Yay!  Pearl never did take too well to the booties....she tried to eat them off her feet. 

I am smothered with mosquito bites.  Yesterday when I got home from work, I trimmed 35 lbs of branches off of the bushes with purple flowers.  And i trimmed up a palm tree.  And pulled some weeds.  And I even got half the front lawn mowed before I nearly collapsed from heat stroke.  Scott finished the lawn and then watered it all.  Then later on I woke up in the middle of the night with reflux so bad I think I aspirated some.  My lungs have been burning ever since.  Breathing sucks. 

Fuck this shit.  I love you.  My arms crave your presence.  My skin wishes to feel the electricity of yours when we touch.  F Scott Fitzgerald says "there are many types of love in the world, but never the same love twice."  How right is that....I am so in love with you.  I am so proud of all the steps you are taking to be a better man.  I love how, every time we talk, you are telling me more and more and being so transparent.  You've given your heart to me and your mind is following....it is the most precious gift a girl could ask for.  Every day my mind is set on NOT breaking your heart.  The very last thing I want to do is fuck over a perfectly good love story like ours.

Who would've thunk?  Harley and Batman?  Batsy goes for the Wonder Women.....the classy, smart, Amazonian women who have it all together.  Not the silly, love-addled villainous sidekick of a clown....I mean, yeah I am smart and all.  But I am a knucklehead.  I am goofy and scatterbrained and naive.  I hardly know my ass from a door knocker from day to day.  I am only in my element at work - fixing furbabies and practicing medicine.  I am damn good at what I do, but I know it doesn't interest you much.  That makes me a little sad....because so many exciting things go on at work that I would love to share with you.  I know you don't like sad things - but it's the sad stuff that makes the happy stuff all the better!  And without letting in the sad, you can never truly be happy, my Love.

I will leave you with a quote:
"To believe that we can and MUST hide the parts of us that are broken, out of fear that others are incapable of loving the parts of us that we cannot love ourselves, is to believe that sunshine is incapable of entering a broken window and warming an empty room"
~Sandra Kring

Love always and forever;
Harley Jane Quinn

My darling and wonderful Batman;
I received your letter today!!  It had been in the mail yesterday but I finally went to the mailbox today. :) I wanted so badly to talk to you more when you called Sunday....Scott was engrossed in his phone and so I didn't feel bad that I told you I miss you and I love you.  Thank you so much for the call.  It made me smile in my heart.

I went to Glenwood Cemetery on Saturday afternoon because I was feeling overwhelmed and I was already in the area.  As you know, this is the place where I find peace and I can meditate.  I got there ten minutes before the gates closed, and though I did not have a lot of time, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and began to Center Myself.  Before I could even organize my thoughts, the tears flowed freely out of my closed eyes.  I did not sob; I did not collapse into despair.  I simply let the tears flush the stress from my mind.  From my body.  I felt wave after wave of tears cascading down my cheeks and dripping from my jaw.

When I meditate, I do not think of solid thoughts.  If you think of your mind as a pen writing a diary of living words, I simply suspend the pen and allow the words and ink to swirl around and reorganize themselves.  My brain de-frags.  And the stress leaves by body through my eyes.Snippets of pictures flash in my head, but they are just wisps of thoughts that haven't congealed.  I saw you and my sisters and my coworkers....I saw leaves and flowers and smelled fresh grass.  A mockingbird was singing a cheerful song behind me, nearly drowning out the sound of I-10 traffic, which was quite kind of him... Afterward, I took a picture of myself and Instagrammed it....it looks like a work of art, to be honest.  It's black and white and I have mascara streaks down my cheeks.  It's honest.

I have put one of your shirts on one of my pillows.  It makes me less lonely.  Not really, but I like to tell myself that it does.  It seems to be working I think hahaha.  sigh...oh how i miss your long, strong arms wrapped around me like a gibbon's....the scruffiness of your face against mine.  The chapped parts of your lips feeling like little bumps on my lips...the way you lean down to kiss me...and run your fingers through my hair.  The way you immediately relax when I trace my fingers along your neck and the back of your head.  The light flicker of your tongue on mine.  Your laugh.  Your face.  Your smile.  The look of love and devotion in your eyes.  And the sudden tolerance of my snoring!  Sleeping with you is sublime.  And the first time we made love when you came home....and you looked at me as i sat on top of you....and you breathed "god, babe, you are so beautiful"....I will never forget that moment.  In my whole life.  I have never felt so beautiful...so pretty....so loved.  Thank you.

The boys are having fun with family in Colorado.  Mom accidentally put her phone through the wash and is unable to use it now.  She emailed me a few days ago and I guess I should email her back. 
Vato is going to touch up my clock tattoo and color it in for me.  He isn't charging me - no, not even THAT - because he guarantees his tattoos and he included color in the original price I paid him.  Woot!  I know it makes you jealous that I have more ink than you....we will get you a new tattoo later on, when you are home.  My other friend Ruben (from Colorado who now lives here) still owes me a free tat and I am going to see if he will do the red bat symbol you drew.  I want it on my right leg, above the ankle.  It will be smaller than you drew it, but I think it will look best where I want it.

I really enjoy being able to come here online and send you a letter and know you will have it within a day or so.  It means I don't have to go to the post office or anything.  And I don't really have to rely on myself.  That's cool.  One of my many imperfections that you have to put up with is my inability to follow through on every little thing.  For the record, I have started a blog called Harlequin Bats about us.  I don't think it is anything terribly special, and I will most likely get tired of it or forget about it within the week.  But for now it is helping me cope.  Because I am drowning a little without you.  I love you so, so much baby,  So much.  More than I should and more than I want to....you've broken me down into a girl who craves being loved again.  I ache for your touch. 

I have begun to tire of Paul a little.  He isn't clingy or anything....and I have gone a whole day without communication with him....but he isn't you.  And now every time I am with him for anything - platonic or otherwise - I simply wish he was you....and the real him was elsewhere.  Looking at another year of him is daunting.  Perhaps it is just because I miss you so much.  I can't abide being with someone else.  I have stopped climaxing with him at all.  Again, because I wish he was you.  And he isn't.  I don't know what to do.  But I am sure it will work itself out.  Life goes on - it always does.

It appears I am reaching the bottom of my page.  Know always that I love you and I am here for you.  I am your advocate on the outside.  I am constantly reminding everyone about jpay and writing letters and sending money.  I love you I love you I love you.

Love always;
your one and only Harley

Summer Lovin!

OY!  Today has been an adventure!  What with all the children getting out of school for the summer, what's a girl gotta do to get a little alone time to ponder life's little mysteries?  The apartment complex is positively humming with noise!  I don't know about you, but this girl had to get away from it all!

So I went outside - it was raining!  Glorious precipitation from the clouds!  I love rain.  It smells good.  It is warm and wet, like a shower....and it makes the softest patter-patter noise when it falls on leaves and mulch.  I meandered down to the local cemetery.  It's never loud there - lord knows the deceased need quiet in which to maintain their eternal slumber.  Nobody would want to come across their loved one as an undead angry person.

Guess that's what it means to allow the dead to rest in peace.  It felt soooo good getting away from the hustle and bustle of weekends as a single gal in a world full of procreatory beings.  My biological clock is Just Fine, thankyewverymuch!  So as I sat to ponder, my mind began to wander.  I let the trees and the music of nature take me away to my secret room in my head.....everyone should have one.  A place where only you can go.

And I fell asleep. :) I dreamed of my Batman and where he is right now - being a mild mannered billionaire philanthropist somewhere.  Knowing he would come home to me soon.

I love my Batman.  And he loves me...