anxiety attack mail :(

oh batman i need you so much....i am staring at this blank screen and feel so overwhelmed and like every fuse in my brain has been tripped.....i am not making connections or stringing words to make a sentence in my head.
so many things....your fish allergy causing you to break out in hives (good god i hope you don't go into anaphylactic shock out there!)...me potentially not making it up to visit due to cost problems.....oh shit baby i need to see you and feel you.

i have been watching Orange is the new Black and it is helping me to understand maybe a little of how prison life is. it sounds dumb but it is based on a true story and all the things you tell me seem to be the same on the show. it's a netflix only thing so i know you won't get to see it till you're out. the visitation room....the bathrooms/showers....the guards....the beds. when i watch it i feel closer to you. and i want to do so many things to be closer to you.
please don't get in trouble. please don't do anything to cause ripples. come home as soon as you can. come home to me. come home to our house and our dog and our life.

i need to be selfish right now. i need you to put your strong arms around me and stroke my hair and hold me and tell me i am beautiful. tell me i am strong and i can make it through this. run a finger down my cheek and brush away the tears from my eyes. don't be upset that i am crying....know that it is the stress leaving my body and kiss the tears away. let me sob into your shoulder. hold me close - skin on skin - and breathe into me your love and your devotion and your compassion. give to me what i give to you....let us reciprocate in the union of our bodies.

i haven't had sex in three weeks or so. i don't even care. i don't want anyone right now. paul has texted me asking why i haven't talked to him or gone over. he asks if i am ok, because he knows i am overwhelmed. he knows he isn't necessary in my life and wants to remain friends. i can't get up the energy to go see him. he came over for pizza and spaceballs the other night and left right after. even though scott wasn't home. he tells me it's like i am a shell of who i was. i told him i don't blame him if he never wants to see me again, since i am basically abusing our friendship by being noncommittal and unresponsive.

both of my pillows are covered in your t-shirts. i even wear one to sleep sometimes. batman i love you so much. my heart aches for you. i know you're bored and alone and missing me....at camp snoopy...and you need things to make your stay easier. i will do all i can, but i can't do more. 

i need to go find the tracking number. i promised i would put it in the email and i forgot it in the car....be right back....don't wait too long LOL

OH i dreamed of you last night. you came to me as lightly as a fairy on a pillow and we slept together, spooning, all night. i woke up sad and stiff. but that dream was simply divine. i love you. i love your clown tattoos. i love your sister's tattoo. i love your eyes - how they dance when you smile. i love your facial hair and your lack of facial hair - i love your face. i love your neck and your teeth and your hands.....all of you baby. you are my handsome gentleman. my knight in scuffed-up armor. i never wanted shining armor anyway - means it hasn't been properly broken in.

ok i really am going to get the tracking number now. BRB ok....i have the receipt....logging on to the usps now....DAMMIT says 'delivery status notification not available via website.' grrrrr calling the 800 number now.....ugh it says it was processed through and left at a facility at 10pm on 7/17. it is currently in transit to the destination. woot! you shall have it soon, my love! Stupid website still says 'expect delivery by july 15, 2013'...ARGH

darling i must sleep now. so today you get this letter and maybe even the pictures! i can't wait to hear from you! i do have to focus on scott on friday....it IS his last night in town for a minimum of four months. so call me tonight or saturday.

i love you i love you i love you.....be well
your harlequin princess